Obligatory Bucket List

I feel like everyone has one of these, whether they talk about them or not.  That list of things you want to achieve, do, or see before your clock runs out.  I have one- I don't consider it impressive, and it changes a little every year.  It is mine, and I like it.

1.  Get my Ph.D.--  This was the original plan- to go forward in academia and win my PhD in American History so I could teach.  I was looking at schools, and formulating the dreaded essay of how you would change the world if only you had your PhD.  Life happens, plans change.  I'd still like to go after it though.

2.  Conquer the StumpJump 50K--  This SOB of a race and I have a score to settle.  It has dealt a bigger blow to my ego than I like to readily admit.  We will go toe-to-toe again and I will win.

3.  Do an 100 miler--  I have my eye on two I'd like to do actually.  One is the Thunder Rock, which is on the same course as the StumpJump.  The other is the Cloudsplitter in Kentucky.

4.  Hike the AT within the borders of the Smokies--  When I was 21 and idealistic and didn't have a kid, I wanted to hike the whole stinking thing.  Now, I'd be happy with a piece of it.

5.  Conquer my fear of fish--  No really.  I'm absolutely terrified of fish.  A huge detriment since my son loves to fish.

6.  Meet Sally McRae--  She's amazing and if you don't know who she is, look her up.  You won't be sorry.

7.  Speak French fluently--  I think this would be cool.  I took it in high school, and retained about 1% of what they attempted to teach me.

8.  Have a job where what I do actually counts--  I hate jobs where you just trudge through your day.  I want a job where I can make a positive impact in my community somehow.

9.  Experience as many things with my son as I can before he's too cool to hang with mom--  I'm still pretty cool right now.  I know that will end at some point, at least for awhile.   I want to pack in the memories while I can.  Nobody ever remembers their favorite day of watching TV.

10.  Travel--  France, Ireland, India, Rome/ Vatican, Jerusalem, Prince Edward Island, Pacific Northwest

11.  Kayak with Whales--  For real- you can kayak with whales in the PNW.

Did I miss anything-let me know.

Un-apologetically Grateful......

Hello readers...............I found this entry in my draft pile and feel like it needs to be shared.  I found myself copying and pasting it into an email to a friend, and thought- I really need to just post it.  I wrote this in July 2014.  And I share it with you now...........

~~~~~~~~~A Saturday in July 2014~~~~~~~~

I sat in the bottom of a shallow grave today, using a pick-axe to break up the stubborn Tennessee clay soil and then scooping it out with my hands.  It had been raining for 24 hours straight, it was muddy, it was hard labor.  I was not alone.  I had help.  But at this moment when I was at the bottom of the grave, I was alone and stewing in loss.  My dog had just died and I felt 100 years old.

Between July 2013 and July 2014, I have been through a year full of loss.  I am debating whether to line it all out here, but then it defeats the purpose of what I am trying to say.

You see, tonight I went to Mass (remember- I'm a proud Catholic!)  I went to Mass to see one of my favorite priests say his farewells before moving on to his next posting.  I sat in my regular seat, thinking of loss.  How tired I am of loss.  Friends moving, people dying, jobs ending, faithful dogs passing on............the list went on.  Again sitting in my seat, I felt 100 years old; all alone and completely surrounded.

Father Charlie talked to us about gratefulness.  Not about loss, not about how much he would miss us, not about the great sadness of his departure.  He talked about how grateful he is to us and for us.  And sitting there, hearing his words, I connected my overwhelming feeling of loss and grief to a feeling of gratefulness with what I have gained from that all the loss.

I am un-apologetically grateful for every loss.  I am grateful for every moment of the last year, where I have said goodbye, or not even had the chance to say goodbye, or plain refused to say goodbye.

We lose so much, and with each loss, it gets harder.  It is harder to focus on the gratefulness.  It is harder to focus on the good that comes from loss.  Sometimes you see it immediately.  Sometimes it takes years.

Tonight, I see my loss, and I see my gain.  And in all things, I find balance.